Frogs Are Cooler Than Toads
by ohmygodwhat
Summary: On a mission with Team Ten, Shikamaru discovers ancient texts detailing The Five Nations' mythology. When Choji dares Naruto to summon the gods, nothing happens, and Naruto is left drained of chakra. Several months later, Kakashi is visited by a bookish know-it-all, Temari is bested in wind-style, and Itachi discovers that sharingan doesn't work very well on blind chicks.
1. Chapter 1

AN: This takes place… let's say near the Beginning of Season 6. It's kinda AU for both Naruto and Homestuck but there still may be spoilers. Anyways, in this story the universe our favorite teenage gods create at the end of the story is the Narutoverse. It surprises me that there aren't more Homestuck crossovers out there because I feel like Homestuck is a pretty easy story to use in crossovers. All you need to do is blame paradox space, time travel, or general shenanigans and you're still pretty much in character.

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"Are you ready my Lord?" The silver-haired man asked with a steady voice and a face turned forward, gazing over the village that was soon to be invaded. "Our scouting mission could prove more problematic than we thought, what with Lady Tsunade using a constant patrol of jonin as a shield."

"Don't worry Kabuto, there're a bunch of us here. We won't let anyone lay a hand on Lord Orochimaru." Another man spoke from the sidelines. There were five people in total. One, the silver-haired man who spoke previously, the second, a man with the eyes of a snake, and three others whose purposes were purely to protect their leader in case of an emergency. He was still somewhat weak considering the time of his next body transformation was approaching.

"Yes I am ready. The village is in sight and besides, all we want to do for now is gauge the dwindling power of this pathetic town." Orochimaru spat, his serpentine lips curling up into a twisted grin.

"Alright then let's go. Keep your eyes peeled for jonin." Kabuto said, beckoning the others to follow, their leader safely in the middle of the pack.

They were nearing the village as they trudged through the forest, the moon high in the sky, its light sufficient enough to illuminate their path.

Suddenly, Orochimaru stopped and soon afterwards the others followed suit. A stillness settled among the group as their senses heightened. A russle of leaves to the left. The sound of the wind whistling through the dark woods. An owl hooting from up above before diving down to devour an unsuspecting rodent. "What is it, my Lord?" Kabuto was the only one brave enough to inquire.

"Something's coming. On your toes." Orochimaru hissed his command in a hushed tone.

That's when they all heard it too – the distinct sound of someone stumbling through the woods. A figure suddenly broke through the bushes.

It was a young man, probably no older than twenty-three or four. He cussed horribly and mumbled something about the 'fucking jungle' as he stumbled forth from the undergrowth. Regaining his balance and looking up, the boy took in the sight of the five spies with apparent relief. "Oh hey look it's people." He said, his manner of speech quick and informal. "Yo so I don't know who you are or what's going on but listen. I just kind of woke up here I guess and I was wondering if you could tell me where I am? I mean if you can't that's fine I guess I'm sure I'll run into someone else eventually. I'd try contacting one of my bros but y'all have terrible Wi-Fi. Like it's seriously a problem. Can't get a fucking signal it's like I woke up in seventeenth century London. Oh god please tell me this isn't seventeenth century London I don't want to meet no Sherlocks or Wattsons those guys sound like hella douchebags. Wait does that even take place in the seventeenth century? Don't answer that question it was rhetorical I don't actually give a shit. Uh yeah… so you can feel free to chip in whenever I guess I tend to ramble a lot anyways."

Orochimaru stared down the strange boy with disinterest. His hair was a sloppy blond, probably tussled by his late night walk in the woods. His stance was lazy and he was dressed in what appeared to be a lavish pair of pajamas and a cape. He did not appear to be carrying any weapons nor did he appear to be of any threat whatsoever. However, he had seen them, whether he recognized them or not. This was a problem that needed to be taken care of sooner rather than later. "Kabuto, you know what to do."

The silver-haired man nodded and pulled out a knife.

"Whoa." The boy said holding up his hands in an 'I surrender' gesture. "No need to get physical here I just wanted some directions."

"I'm sorry child but it doesn't look to me like you'll be needing directions anymore." Orochimaru sneered.

The boy laughed without breaking his poker face – which was kind of impressive. "What oh what the fuck was that? Have I stepped into a really shitty gang film? Sorry dude but that line was almost Egbertian in lameness. Sounds like something that would come out of one of his dumbass chick flics."

"You may be laughing now but we'll see who's laughing when you're lying face down in the dirt." Orochimaru jeered and Kabuto prepared his knife for throwing. The boy, on the other hand, remained stunningly unimpressed.

"Dude come on is that supposed to scare me? It's too damn textbook to be frightening. Look, you guys don't wanna fight with me. Besides, I'm a self-proclaimed pacifist. Let's just leave this be. You guys go scamper off to wherever the fuck you were going at this ungodly hour of the morning and I'll just keep wandering around aimlessly until I find some other assholes to give me directions. We good? I think we're good."

Kabuto waited for the go-ahead and finally, with a malicious grin on his face, Orochimaru spoke his command. "You've got some nerve kid. Unfortunately, it is you who doesn't know who he's dealing with." He spoke with a flat tone. "I think this conversation has gone on long enough."

And with that, Kabuto charged.

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PS: I am Naruto and reviews are my ramen. Feed me!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I was going to post this earlier but for some reason my computer isn't letting me upload to the doc manager except for randomly working (ie. now) :/. Hopefully that problem is fixed soon because I was** _ **planning**_ **on updating roughly once a week but… we'll see. Also, question: How do you add page breaks on here? Gonna need those for the next chapter.**

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Kakashi Hatake rubbed his eyes blearily as he trudged down the one and only hallway of his two-bedroom apartment. He'd been ignoring Naruto's attempts to get him to train with him for the better part of the previous day. Was it really too much to ask for one day off? Either way, evading the hyperactive blond proved to be just as exhausting as training him would have been. Now he was exploring his hallways at an absurd hour of the morning, hoping against hope that his student would give him a day to recover from his exhaustion.

Yawning as he entered the hall, Kakashi was startled to find a faint light shining from behind the partially open door of his second bedroom (now-a-days used as more of a library than anything). Taken off guard, Kakashi began focusing all of his energy on making sure his footsteps made no sound as he approached the door, determined to catch his intruder red-handed. It was probably Naruto and Kakashi wouldn't have had a problem with his student's stalkerism normally, however, he would rather not have his sensei's sixteen-year-old son riffling through his ever growing collection of philosophical inquiries, classic novels, and, ahem, a few titles written by Jiraiya, at five o'clock in the morning.

Cautiously, Kakashi entered the room, following the flicker of the candle light. Really Naruto? Bringing fire into a library? Kakashi was not amused.

However, as he turned the corner he found that the source of the light was a lantern, left unattended at the end of the isle. Kakashi scratched his chin in confusion for a moment when he was suddenly startled by the presence of another individual. It was not Naruto.

"Hello, Hatake-san" Said the girl currently leaning up against the bookshelf behind him. Kakashi whirled around just in time to see her pale hand tuck a lock of long platinum blond hair behind her orange hood while her other hand closed the small book she had been reading. He winced as he recognized the title as one of Jijaiya's. Kakashi was struck by how easily she had caught him off guard. He didn't even sense her chakra signature.

Her dress reminded Kakashi of standard issue shinobi battle clothes mixed with something more exotic; a short sleeved golden dress was slit at both sides to reveal black leggings to contrast her sunny hood. A black scarf was tied around her midsection tightly, accentuating the delicate curves of her hips without really revealing anything. The edges of her outfit seemed to be sewn with golden silk and the symbol of a sun glowed gold from the center of her shirt. All in all, she couldn't have been older than twenty-five, but she possessed an air of wisdom more suited for someone of the Tsuchikage's age. "I offer my apologies for this unexpected visit, but unfortunately this impromptu meeting takes precedence to any formal arrangements. We have much to discuss."

Kakashi's face returned to its usual indifferent façade. "Hm," He said simply, "Apology accepted, granted you aren't about to try to kill me. And I could recommend you several much more interesting titles. I must admit that one's a little trashy even by my standards."

The girl's black lips curled up into a smirk as her delicate hand reached over to place the book back on its shelf. "Maybe another time. Presently, I wish to discuss a few topics with you. I understand you are recognized as one of the most talented shinobi of your age, and have dealt with unusual circumstances in the past."

"Define unusual."

The girl smirks, "Strange justsus, immortal serpentine sociopaths, children used to lock up demons… »

"By that standard I guess you could say I've seen some unusual things in my day." Kakashi responded with equal coolness. What was this girl's game? Who is she? Where did she come from? This girl certainly didn't seem evil, but at the same time she was definitely not someone he would define as normal either.

A playful smirk crosses the girl's black colored feminine lips before she pushes her orange hood down to reveal her face. She was pretty, he'd give her that, and the smug, condescending look on her face reminded Kakashi of a younger version of himself. "I'm relieved to hear. It would seem my near omniscience has not failed me just yet." Her lilac eyes glinted with mischief from behind long dark eyelashes. Judging by her platinum colored hair, he'd have to guess she wore some kind of make up to get them to look like that. Her hair outlined her face on the sides and was held back slightly by a black hairband that reminded him of their shinobi head bands; however, the strings on hers were longer and there was no symbol on the front. Instead the black fabric was decorated with more gold string, making a pattern like the rays of the sun stretching down to earth.

Kakashi decided to play her game. "Omniscience? I'm intrigued."

The girl's expression suddenly grew serious. "Perhaps we can discuss that another time. We will be spending a lot of time together after all." With that last sentence the glimmer of mischief reappeared temporarily before once again being wiped away. "I mean it's the least you can do after having called us here."

"Us?"

"Yes, us. There are fourteen of us in total. Eight humans, six trolls" The girl responded without elaboration. Trolls? As in another species? Kakashi was starting to think this girl was quite possibly insane after all. She didn't seem evil, but in this world, at this time, you could never be too sure.

"Alright." Kakashi said, "Don't get me wrong, it's always a pleasure to host strange people who randomly break into my home at obscure hours in the morning. But I do believe an introduction is in order."

The girl's smirk broadens. "My sincerest apologies. This would not be the first time I've gotten carried away by my own agenda and have forgotten my manners. I've been told on more than one occasion that heroes of light such as myself are prone to superfluous bouts of verbosity."

Kakashi blinked and almost smiled at her response. If it were not for the persisting mystery that shrouded her person he might have.

She continued. "They call me many things here on your pleasant little planet: Violet Seer, the Black Rose, and Derse Dreamer just to name a few. However more often than not I am called by the appellation that was granted to me twelve years ago, Seer of Light."

Kakashi was silent. He'd heard that title. He'd definitely heard that title before. So they really existed? These so called gods who were responsible for creating their universe _actually existed_? Not only this but Naruto actually _succeeded_ in calling them here? This couldn't be true. "Seer of Light, huh?" He said, allowing his disbelief to slip into his tone.

"Whether you believe me or not means less than nothing to me. For all I care you can say to my face you think I'm an intoxicated sycophant who bought an oracle outfit at your local Halloween store and thought it would be a fantastic idea to seek out the help of the most famous ninja in the village. That will not change the fact that we are here, that we are coming. Your enthusiastic orange friend's summoning spell took a long time to work, mainly because of the great distance between your home and ours. We might be several weeks late but we have finally arrived and I know while some of my friends might not be very interested in coming to your aid, at least I am willing to give your words some consideration. Or rather, Naruto's words considering the fact that he's the one who summoned us."

This time the Seer's words had actually left Kakashi speechless. He stared at her, open-mouthed as he tried to process the things she had said, and more importantly, try to rationalize how she knew so much, for certainly she couldn't _really_ be a figure of myth. Even if those figures did exist _Naruto Uzumaki_ wouldn't have had the power to summon them… would he? Then again… Naruto does have the chakra of the Nine-Tailed Fox….

The Seer opened her mouth again. "I understand your confusion and your disbelief. I will give you some time to think this over. Meanwhile I'm going to make some tea. It's been a while since I've had any, my brother prefers coffee" With that, she walked past a startled Kakashi and out of the room, towards the kitchen. He followed behind her slowly and took a seat at his kitchen table. When she offered him a glass, he politely declined. Finally, after she had seated herself opposite him and taken her first sip of the steaming cup, he dared open his mouth to speak.

"Alright Seer, let's say I decide to believe you. What happens then?" Kakashi stated calmly, leaning back in his chair and examining her face for the signs of a lie.

The girl's lips curled up at the corners and she placed her tea on the table in front of her. "Please," She said, "Call me Rose. It is my birth name after all. To answer your question, what would happen is simple. You will meet the remaining members of my party: An Heir of Breath, a Knight of Time, a Witch of Space, a Rogue of Void and so on. We will regroup, hear you out and assess the situation for ourselves. We will come to a decision – advance or abscond? Some of us will want to fight, others will be more reluctant. If the threat is bad it is more likely that we will help. If you pulled us here as a joke some of us will be angry while others will congratulate you. There is a wide range of personalities among my friends, as I'm sure you will find. That said, with such a wide variety there are a lot of possibilities. I'm sorry that I can't be of more help in this regard however I'm sure the other Seer would have a much more accurate description of possible outcomes available to her."

Kakashi stared again, although while nodding in approval. "That makes sense, there's still one problem though."

"What would that be?" Asked Rose, sipping her tea.

"I don't believe you."

"Are you looking for proof? I would suggest you ask me questions about my mythology but I'm not sure how accurate your documentation is."

"What a fortunate excuse."

"Players of light often deal in fortune." She smiled.

Kakashi didn't miss a beat. "You keep referring to yourself as a player. What is it, exactly, that you played?"

Suddenly, Rose's eyes flashed dangerously, humor leaving her formerly mirthful face. She froze, her cup of tea nearly to her lips and her violet eyes flicked up to meet Kakashi's. For the first time Kakashi was struck full force with the cold power that already seemed to radiate from her. Her eyes were cold but not cruel, dark, but not evil. A stillness filled the air as if all light had been sapped from the room, and Rose put the glass down. "I played a game." She answered simply, however her words were thick. Kakashi could tell by the way she reacted that she wasn't telling him everything. It was ominous.

It was ominous and Kakashi did not want to dig up anything that would cause this strange woman to resent him. He was confident in his capabilities as a jonin, sure, but intuition told him there was something off about this girl. She was human, that was clear enough, however it was almost as if she were a level above that, like she had evolved somehow into something slightly more than human, and Kakashi definitely didn't want to test her abilities. So, instead of pressing her further, he said, "That was a very good way to answer my question without answering my question."

"Thank you, I've been told I'm a gifted conversationalist." The air seemed to relax a little.

"I have another question for you."

"Ask away." Rose smiled.

"Why me? Why contact me? Why not go to the Hokage directly?"

Rose's smirk broadened. "Because, you remind me of myself. I've followed your story closely and I can confidently say that I trust your character. Besides, in a way I am talking to the Hokage, Mr. The Sixth."

Kakashi's breath caught and his one visible eye narrowed. However, before he could gather a reaction, Rose had started talking once more.

"But that's no matter. Really I came to you because you are very intelligent, quick on the uptake, yet at the same time very skeptical, like myself. Besides, while I'm here I'll need a place to stay and I'd love to get acquainted with your collection of books."

"What makes you think I'll let you stay here?"

"What makes you think I'm giving you a choice?"

"I don't even have a spare bed." Kakashi frowned, the displeased expression showing in spite of his eternal black mask. What was this girl's game? She breaks into his home very early in the morning, dressed in colors so bright no ninja in his right mind other than Naruto would dare wear on a mission and demands that he give her place to stay. While he would admit her wit had him intrigued, he wasn't too keen on the idea of some strange and potentially dangerous young kunoichi staying in his home while he was off running missions. It wasn't like he had anything of value here really; it just felt like an invasion of privacy. And Kakashi liked his privacy.

"That's perfectly fine. I can just sleep on the couch in your library. That's probably where I'll be spending most of my time after all. Besides, I'll need somewhere quiet where I can think while I try to approximate the locations of the other members of my party."

Kakashi could see she wasn't going to argue with him, just assume that she had won and move on. She was already progressing the conversation to the point of making living arrangements. "Of course as a high ranking shinobi you'll often be out on missions." Rose said, taking another sip of her tea without breaking eye contact. Her eyes were startlingly lilac in color, Kakashi realized as he stared, somewhat dumbstruck. "That is completely understandable and I can personally assure you that I am not prone to snooping through the private items of others, especially those kind enough to give me lodging in a time of need."

"Ooookay back up one minute here." Kakashi silenced her, holding up one gloved hand. "You said that you're going to try to approximate the locations of your peers. Can I take this to mean you don't know where any of them are?"

"That statement is correct." Rose said blankly. "They could be anywhere in your world. I would like to say I'm not particularly worried about them getting injured, however I am aware of the dangers your reality may pose – to some of my friends at least. That said, I'm more worried about them… causing trouble than I am for their safety. Many of my friends lack certain tact and a few of them have a tendency to make their presence known without a second thought as to what the possible consequences of their actions could be. What's more, it's likely that they don't know how they got here, or why. The only reason I am here and able to form a coherent thought on this rather unusual situation is that I have certain precognitive capabilities, such as aforementioned."

Kakashi nodded, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. "Uh-huh." He said, "Your, and I quote 'near omniscience' right?"

Rose smiled slyly. "It comes in handy and I have reason to believe it will help me pinpoint the exact whereabouts of my wayward companions much faster than your village's ninja would be able."

Kakashi scoffed. "You have reason to believe. Is that just a figure of speech? It seems like a silly thing to say coming from someone who claims near omniscience."

Rose smiled. "I knew you were going to ask that."

"Did you?"

"To answer your question, no it was not a figure of speech. My reason to believe that my precognitive abilities will help me locate my friends more quickly is my omniscience itself."

"That seems a little redundant." Kakashi was suddenly finding it difficult to keep up his disinterested demeanor. This girl was something else.

"Perhaps. You seem to be warming up to me, Mr. Hatake. Can I take this to mean you'll allow me to stay here?"

"Now you're asking permission?" Kakashi frowned once more; he thought he was being discreet about his amusement.

"It's more a formality really. I'll be staying here regardless of your answer."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. "You're a little bit cocky for someone of your age."

"But not for someone of my powers."

"Cocky." Beneath his mask, Kakashi actually cracked a grin. "Fine, let's say that against my better judgment I agree to let you stay here. Then what? What's our next move?"

Rose smiled in quiet triumph and put her empty tea cup on the table. "You take me to the Hokage so we can have a little chat about your situation here and brainstorm how we're going to get my team back together. Then we regroup and come up with a battle plan to end your fight once and for all."

"It sounds good when you put it that way, but how are you actually going to follow through with that?"

"Wait and see. I don't know everything, you know." Rose stood. "Excuse me, I believe you have company."

Kakashi stood as well and sure enough there was a sudden knock on the door. "Kakashi! Get out here Lady Tsunade is looking for us it seems there's been a disturbance somewhere out in the woods surrounding the village and she wants us on the job!" Kakashi sighed and tried not to roll his eyes as he heard the familiar voice of his old rival Guy. Meanwhile Rose was putting her finished cup of tea in the sink.

"I'll be right there, calm down." Kakashi responded coolly opening the door. "I'm a little busy, Gai." Kakashi gestured to the mysterious young woman behind him as he opened the door. Rose offered a slight wave and added a smirk when she noticed the small blush forming on Gai's cheeks. Gai looked back and forth between the two of them in both confusion and embarrassment. "Oh I'm so sorry, I uh, I didn't realize you, um that you…" Gai stumbled haphazardly over his words while Rose's amused smirk grew and she made no attempt to correct his misplaced assumption.

Finally, with a sigh Kakashi said, "it's not what you're thinking calm down. Rose meet Gai, Gai meet Rose. I found this tricky little lady in my library this morning waiting for me. She claims to be one of the gods Naruto tried to summon."

"She claims… _what_?"

As if on cue Rose stepped forward, hand outstretched to shake. "Hello Gai, it's a pleasure to meet you. After all you're one of the best shinobi in the village along with your rival here. My name is Rose Lalonde but I am more commonly called the Seer of Light here on your pleasant little version of Earth." Gai shook her hand curiously, for the first time truly examining her. She did not appear physically strong or threatening. She was of a small stature, short with light delicate hands and an elegant posture. However, he could see danger in her violet eyes. "it would seem my friends and I have been summoned by a particularly powerful young genin from your village to help spread peace in your rapidly deteriorating society. His summoning spell, however, took a long time to properly work as we live elsewhere in paradox space. Nonetheless, we have arrived and are ready to take whatever course of action necessary."

Gai was dumbstruck. "I… How?"

Kakashi turned around the gaping Jonin by his shoulders and said with impatience. "We can talk about this later. What is it Tsunade wanted from me?"

Taking a moment to clear his head and push all of his questions to the back of his mind, Gai regained a serious composure and replied. "It seems there was a disturbance out in the woods last night. Orochimaru and some of his men planned on infiltrating the village but they were stopped by an unknown factor. Orochimaru and four of his men managed to escape when a patrol found them nearly immobile this morning but we managed to snag one of them. He's with Tsunade now, waiting for interrogation..." Gai trailed off to give Rose a look, as the young woman was walking with them, keeping pace despite her small physical stature.

"Oh don't mind me." Rose said with her usual mocking smile. "Please, go on."

Gai stared her down for a moment, accepting the challenge in her eyes. After losing their silent staring contest he exchanged a glance with Kakashi who said with a shrug, "She's also an issue we have to address. Might as well get it out of the way."

"I'm an issue, Mr. Hatake? Oh how you wound me."

"Well until we can either prove or disprove your claims then yes, you are an issue. Does this bother you, Miss Lalonde?" Rose smirked at the mockery evident in his voice. She was enjoying their rapport already. Gai, on the other hand, looked back and forth between the two in confusion, trying to decide if their exchange was friendly or antagonistic.

"Of course not. As my brother will claim when you meet him, causing trouble is one of my specialties. Although I will state the same for him. Whether or not these claims are true you can determine for yourself. You've already proven your intelligence."

Kakashi didn't respond. He simply gave her a sideways glance from the corner of his eye, continuing to move forward as if he hardly noticed her comment.

"So…" Gai said uncomfortably. He coughed to clear his throat and moved on. "So as I was saying, the Hokage has a hostage of Orochimaru's in custody right now but she's waiting to interrogate him. She asked for you and me specifically. It seems we might be asked to go on another mission, possibly an information gathering one."

"Does she want us to pursue?"

"I don't think so. Even though Orochimaru's group seemed somewhat shaken it would still be too dangerous to chance an attack. He is a sannin after all, and possibly the most powerful one at that."

"Agreed." Kakashi said, looking thoughtful.

Then, without warning, Rose interjected. "If it's not too much to ask, who is Orochimaru?"

Gai opened his mouth to respond but Kakashi beat him to it. Looking down lazily he taunted, "Wouldn't you already know who he is, what with your near omniscience and all?"

"Near omniscience is not the same thing as omniscience. I don't know everything, you know. Now you're just being absurd." She examined her purple painted fingernails with disinterest.

Kakashi scoffed. "If you say so. And to answer your question, Orochimaru is a very bad man. A long time ago he defected from the village in pursuit of immortality. He does not care who he uses, who he hurts, or who dies. He simply wants power and to see our home burned to the ground."

"Hm, sounds like an A class sociopath. I'll tuck that idea away in the mental file cabinet I keep detailing the psychological profiles of every person I come in contact with." Rose said, dead pan.

Gai, unable to tell if she was joking or not, said incredulously, "You mentally profile all of the people you meet?"

"Yes. Just because I'm a goddess doesn't mean I don't have hobbies." She smirked her black lipped smirk.

"Do you have anything on us?" Evidently, Gai was unable to contain his curiosity.

Rose looked him in the eye and decided to indulge him. "On you, not yet." She winked, "As for Kakashi I haven't come up with much other than to make the connection that he has the same strange obsession with hiding his face as my brother. Although, I suspect the reasons are as different as the means of hiding. My brother hides his emotions behind dark eyewear whereas you hid your face in its entirety behind a black mask. You are a ninja so there is the possibility that you are covering some sort of hideous disfiguration however I have serious doubt that you are that vain. That said, I don't really have a guess as to why you hide just yet, but psychologically speaking when people chose to continually cover certain parts of their body, the face in particular, it usually signifies a subconscious desire to cover up some sort of insecurity triggered by traumatic events during early childhood. But then again, this is merely hypothetical." Clearly no longer joking, Rose stared Kakashi, who had stopped walking altogether, straight in the eye, almost seeming to scrutinize him for a reaction. Gai on the other hand, was once again struck dumb by the exchange and looked worriedly between the two. When after a long while neither of them spoke, Gai intervened.

"Okay, uh, we should probably not keep Tsunade waiting." He laughed awkwardly, 'Heh, you know Fifth Hokage and all."

Slowly, Kakashi pulled his narrow-eyed gaze away from Rose's and turned forward once more. "You're right. Let's keep going."

Rose smiled, clearly pleased with herself as they walked the rest of the way in silence.

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 **End Note: I adore Rose Lalonde. Hope I did her justice.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"Who is this?" Tsunade asked as the two rival jonin entered her office. "I thought I only requested the presence of Leaf Village jonin. Nobody else. Did I not?"

"You got this one Kakashi?" Gai leaned over and whispered while Kakashi rolled his eyes.

"I'm sorry to have brought her along, Lady Tsunade, but unfortunately I have some news of my own."

"Hello, Lady the Fifth." The girl said, stepping forward with her hand outstretched to shake. "I'm sorry about the intrusion on your very important meeting, however, I feel that this reconnaissance may take precedence. My name is Rose Lalonde and I am the Seer of Light. You see, not long ago a young genin by the name of Naruto Uzumaki attempted to summon my friends and I. The spell left his chakra drained and did not work, or so it had seemed at the time. It would appear, however, that because of the distance between our two worlds his jutsu took a long time to work. I – "

Tsunade interrupted. "Hold on. Are you trying to tell me that you're a mythical figure? Do you believe this, Kakashi?"

Looking somewhat uncomfortable, Kakashi said, "Frankly, I'm not sure what to believe. I'll admit I'm taken aback by her existence. She appeared in my library this morning and demanded I take her to see you. I want to say I don't believe her and on some level I don't, but I find her story somewhat intriguing. She may or may not be who she claims to be. Either way, she's proven herself at least to be a stealthy enough and smart enough shinobi to be able to take me off guard in my own home."

Tsunade nodded. "Well girl, can you prove what you say?"

Rose's face did not change. "No I cannot."

"Then I suggest you keep your mouth shut. I'm a very busy woman and I don't have time to waste."

Rose half-lidded her eyes and crossed her arms, looking somewhat disinterested yet at the same time, authority-defying. With that she stepped back in line. "As you wish. I'll be here when you're ready for me."

"Excellent. Now I have some business to discuss with these two jonin here."

"What happened? Gai told me there was a disturbance in the woods last night and that Orochimaru is somehow involved." Kakashi inquired.

Tsunade let out a breath, eyeing Rose briefly before continuing. "Last night a patrol came across a few unconscious men and Orochimaru. Orochimaru and the majority of his party were able to escape, however we were able to take one of his men into custody. After a long interrogation we were unable to get any information out of him about what Orochimaru's plans were but he seemed distracted by another matter anyway. When pressing him about this he said that they ran into a strange boy in the woods. The boy had asked them about directions and didn't seem to recognize Orochimaru or his name when they introduced themselves. Although this was certainly odd, the group still attacked the boy thinking that he might inform someone of their presence in the woods. The strangest thing of all, however, is the way the man described the fight.

"There was absolutely no evidence of a fight in the forest. No left over kunai knives, no tracks in the dirt, no visible wounds. The only evidence that any sort of confrontation had taken place was what the prisoner said, and the completely and utterly perplexed way in which he said it. According to him, one moment, Kabuto went in to attack the mysterious kid and the next thing he knew there was a brief flash of red, everyone was unconscious, and the kid was nowhere to be found."

Kakashi cut in. "I get it now. You don't want us to pursue Orochimaru at all. We're going after the one that took Orochimaru down."

"Precisely." Tsunade said. "I'm hoping that whoever this is, they are on our side here. Thus far, it can be assumed that he is not on Orochimaru's side considering the fact that he left him unconscious in the woods. Still, if we could get a shinobi of that skill level on our side we would have gained a truly remarkable ally."

"Do you have a description of the boy?" Gai asked.

That's when Rose cut in, examining her fingernails with apparent disinterest. "Let me guess…, messy blond hair, tall athletic build, informal manner of speaking, unusual pair of red pajamas with a clockwork gear in the front of the shirt, blood red cape, and sunglasses despite it being nighttime."

Tsunade slowly put the papers down on her desk, staring at Rose, not with surprise, but with an intense scrutiny. The room suddenly felt very cold. "How did you know that?" Tsunade asked, her voice low and almost threatening.

Rose looked up with a small black lipped smirk on her face. "Because, Lady Hokage, this mysterious boy's abilities sound remarkably similar to my brother's, and judging by your reaction to my guess about his appearance, I was right in assuming that it was he."

"Your brother?" Tsunade said expressionlessly. "As in, another god that Naruto summoned?" She did not seem to believe her.

"Naturally."

Kakashi and Gai exchanged a brief look before glancing back over to watch the tense discussion.

"Right…." Tsunade said sardonically. "And what else can you tell us about your ' _brother'_?"

"His name is Dave. He's a bit of an airhead and has been described on more than one occasion as an insufferable prick. It's not at all unlikely that he would have woken up in the woods confused, considering the way we were summoned, and asked some men for directions. He is not the most discreet in his actions, but he is one of the more unpredictable ones. He's… _predictably_ _unpredictable_ if you will. You can always count on him for a surprise. And due to the nature of his aspect, he is one of the few out of the reach of my omniscience."

"Hmm." Tsunade says. "Well if you're certain the boy who stopped Orochimaru is your brother then why don't you go with Gai and Kakashi to find him?"

It seemed as if Tsunade had given up on arguing with Rose about whether or not she was really a goddess and decided to just indulge her. What could the harm be, anyways? As Hokage, she didn't have time to argue with strangers, she had better things to do.

"Actually I was going to do some work on trying to locate my other friends. But I'm sure if I write you a message to give to him and your shinobi tell him I'm here he'll come without a second thought." Rose said, pulling out a pen and a pad of paper from nowhere.

Gai scrunched his brow. "How'd you do that?" It couldn't have been a summoning jutsu, there were no hand signs and summoning jutsus normally brought animals. Instead, the items appeared as if they had always been there, waiting for Rose specifically to reach up and take them to give them substance in the real world.

"Do what?" Rose raised an amused eyebrow.

"Did you summon those items?" Tsunade looked almost surprised.

Rose just smirked. "Of course not. I don't have chakra and besides, I didn't use hand signs."

"Then where did that paper come from?"

Rose winked. "I'm a goddess remember?" She began to scrawl a note onto her paper, then walked over and handed it to Kakashi. "I have no doubt that this message will be sufficient in bringing my brother back here. If you give me a little bit of time before you leave I might also be able to approximate his location on a map given the location that Orochimaru was found and my own knowledge of Dave's behavior."

Tsunade shrugged. "Alright, Lalonde I'll give you a chance." She pulled out a map from one of the drawers on her desk and laid it out on the floor, placing a few paperweights on the sides to hold it down. Rose, Gai, and Kakashi gathered around. "Here is where Orochimaru and his men were found. There is nothing to indicate which direction your brother would have taken. What do you think he would have done?"

"Which direction did the man say he had come from?" Rose asked next.

"This direction." Tsunade pointed in the direction away from the village.

"My instincts tell me he would have continued in the same direction, maybe veering slightly to the left. That's the best I can do at the moment."

Tsunade looked up. "Alright, you heard the girl, get going."

"Oh and one more thing." Rose said, before the two Leaf ninja took off. "I request that you bring the child who summoned us with you. I promise Dave's not dangerous and I'm going to be busy. One of us should get to meet him, after all, and it might as well be Dave."

Tsunade considered for a second before nodding, with a sigh. "Alright if you insist. Kakashi, Gai, you are dismissed."

* * *

"Grandma Tsunade has another mission for me? What's it about? When do I get to go? Who's my team? Is it you and Sakura still or are we getting split up again? Does Sai have to come? Does it involve finding Sasuke? Why are you telling me about this and not Tsunade herself?" Naruto asked hyperactively, practically bursting with excitement, as usual. Even though he had mellowed out considerably over the last few years, he could still get riled up relatively easily. It was one of the things about Naruto that Kakashi hoped never changed.

"Whoa calm down, Naruto." Kakashi said, placing his hand on the small blonde's head to steady him. "Actually, you're going with me and Might Guy. Now before you say anyth – "

" _WOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!_ "

" – ing." Kakashi finished with a sigh and an annoyed glance at the hyperactive blond boy running circles around his room.

"I'm going on a special mission with Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto exclaimed. Kakashi rolled his eyes and stuck one hand in his pocket while waiting for the spastic sixteen-year old to settle down.

Once Naruto was sufficiently calm, Kakashi spoke again. "Listen carefully, Naruto, we have a lot to discuss and I have a few things to ask you." That got his attention. Naruto cocked his head to one side, looking confused as to what Kakashi was referring to.

The older jonin continued. "About a month ago you tried to summon several figures of legend, remember that?"

"Yeah, how could I forget? It was a really dumb idea that did nothing but drain all of my chakra in the middle of some cave. Dammit Choji! – he promised to take me to Ichiraku's if I did it and he still hasn't paid up! That bastard… I should go remind him. But wait… why are you bringing this up now? That was months ago." Naruto's confusion only deepens.

"Because earlier this morning a girl showed up in my house claiming to be the Seer of Light. She was also aware that you are the one who summoned her. Right now she is back at my apartment doing… whatever it was she wanted to do. However, before we left on this next mission she requested that I bring you."

"Wait I still don't understand." Said Naruto, shaking his head. "My summoning jutsu actually worked? The gods I tried to summon are here on Earth? Why did she go straight to you and not to me if she knew I summoned her? What does any of this have to do with our mission?"

Kakashi sighed. "Evidently, your summoning jutsu didn't work right away because the gods were so far away from here. Because of the great distance they appeared later and in scattered locations all over the ninja world. They could be anywhere. In fact, Rose is working on trying to approximate the locations of her friends as we speak."

"Rose?" Naruto asked, cocking his head to one side.

"The Seer."

"Her name is Rose?"

"Yes." Kakashi answered simply, to the younger ninja's disappointment. He had been hoping for more of a response.

Giving up on their line of conversation, Naruto asked, "So… what's our mission then?"

"Our mission is to locate Rose's brother, another of the gods who you summoned. We have an idea of where he may be. You see, last night Orochimaru tried to invade the city, we don't know why and we don't know what his plan was. All we know is that he was stopped from doing so before he reached the village. One of the men we took into custody explained that they were stopped by a young man who stumbled confusedly out of the woods. Upon hearing this story, Rose jumped in immediately, giving a description of the boy and claiming that he is her brother. We are going to search for him and bring him back. If he was able to take out Orochimaru and four of his men without so much as blinking he will be an invaluable ally. Do you understand?"

"Yes… so we're searching for another god…. Do you know what his title is?"

"No, Rose didn't say. But his name is Dave."

"Dave…" Naruto spoke shortly. "Wow these gods sure have weird names!"

Kakashi stood and shrugged, giving no further response. "So are you ready to go?"

"You bet I am! Let's go find us some gods!"

* * *

 **AN2: Just wanted to say the second part of this chapter was originally written for a twelve-year-old Naruto. I didn't feel like editing it all that much after I decided to make this take place during shippuden. That's why he's so childish. Don't worry he'll be better in later chapters.**

 **Also thank you Ambiguity in D Major for helping me figure out such a basic function lol (I love your username btw)**


	4. Chapter 4

" – _oof_ – " He tumbled to the ground in a poof of smoke, flipping over himself once to land on his back with his arms and legs sprawled around him at awkward angles. Feeling slightly disoriented, he lifted his head up to examine his new surroundings. Bright green grass. Colorful mountains and overgrown foliage. More. Fucking. Frog statues.

"The hell?" Dave wondered aloud, getting to his feet and brushing a few crumbs of dirt off the back of his pants. _Twice_ in the span of twenty-four hours. _Twice_ he had been randomly uprooted from his current place in time and space only to be dumped in another area with no warning whatsoever. He supposed he should be used to it by now – with Jade constantly summoning him whenever she wanted to hang out – but still. It was _annoying_. And incredibly random.

 _So. What else is new_? Dave's subconscious pointed out. Would his life ever _not_ be random? Evidently not.

The misplaced blond sighed melodramatically as he began to aimlessly wander this new jungle. It reminded him of LOFAF after all of the frost had melted – warm, large unidentified colorful plants, the occasional ribbit and the hum of insects. It was oddly soothing.

However, Dave's moment of reminiscence only lasted for a few seconds before his mind pulled his thoughts back to the strange occurrence of a few moments ago. He was just walking through the streets, minding his own business after having finally found a village when suddenly he was tackled by a screaming orange blur. The way the teen's eyes had widened after scrambling up from the ground only to point a finger at him and exclaim in a strangled shout "It's you!" only added to Dave's confusion. He had been about to respond with something clever when he had suddenly been poofed away, yet-a-fucking-gain.

Them's the breaks.

Dave absently wondered where the rest of his friends were.

And, while lost in his thoughts, he proceeded to trip over a root and tumble face-first down a hill.

Shrubbery – 1: Gods – 0.

"Fuck!" Dave exclaimed with all of his usual godly discretion as he burst through the leaves and exploded into the clearing at the bottom of the hill. Sputtering angrily, the knight lifted himself up from his oh-so-dignified position in the dirt, only to come face-to-face with a bright yellow mass of slimy skin. As his gaze travelled upwards, he realized there was a head attached to the yellow lump, with two clear amphibian eyes and a smile that could rival his best friend's when it came to dopiness.

"Gamakichi looook ~" It said in a singsong voice that did _not_ match its body. "It's Father! Fukasaku was r _iiii_ ght ~ Father has arrived."

"What? Lemme see?" Another voice responded, this one's voice suspiciously resembling a New York accent. Or was it Bostonian? Dave wasn't sure. Said god waited with wide eyes as an orange hunk of slippery frog-meat came into view. "Whoa no kidding." The toad said, taking in Dave's crumpled appearance.

Finally, the young man found his voice. "Talking frogs." He said, trying to stand as coolly as possible. "I'm… honestly not even surprised at this point."

" _Frogs_!" The orange one shouted as if he were insulted.

"You're really h _i_ m!" The yellow one said, excitement in his eyes. " _It's_ _you_!"

"Why do people keep saying that to me today? Did I cure a disease I'm not aware of? Did I get blackout drunk and borrow large sums of money from a bunch of people? Am I a wizard, Harry? I mean, damn. You would _not_ believe the day I've been having."

The orange one continued to look annoyed. "Who're you calling hairy? We clearly don't have hair. That's what makes us amphibians. Stupid mammals…."

"No, no it's you." The yellow one insisted, still looking awestruck. "You're him. The protector of our species! Father Time. I can feel it!"

"Oh." Dave's shoulders sagged. "Yeah. That's me I guess. 'sup?"

The yellow one practically squealed in delight – a noise Dave really didn't think amphibians should be capable of making. "Did you hear that brother? It's him! Gamamaru, The Great Sage was right! I mean he's always right but this time he was r _eaaaa_ lly right! Father Time is walking among us on Mount Myoboku! Do you think that means Mother Earth is coming too?"

"Wait a second. You're actually saying you're Father Time?" The dark orange one looked skeptical.

Dave hesitated for a minute, then shrugged as if deciding ' _What the hell_?'. "Yeah. Sure. That's me I guess."

"I feel a strong natural pull towards you. Are you sure you aren't using a jutsu on us here? Because if you are there will be hell to pay. That won't fly with the elders."

"What in Satan's blistering buttcrack is a jootsu?"

The dark orange one was looking at him like he was insane. The yellow-orange one still had that dopy awestruck expression on his face.

Gamatatsu giggled. "Father is a funny man!"

"Uh… could you call me Dave? That's my name: Dave. I ain't nobody's father."

"Nice to meet you Dave-father! I'm Gamatatsu!" The yellowish dope said happily. "And this is my brother Gamakichi!"

"Idiot!" Gamakichi said, knocking the yellow one on the head. "Why'd you tell him our names? What if he's lying? What if he's using The Honorable Geezer's prophecy to get close to us for his own agenda!"

Another voice greeted the three from the direction Dave had fallen from. "Oh he's not lying." The two bickering toads and the god whirled around. A smaller, wrinkled green amphibian with a cane hopped out of the jungle.

"Fukasaku-sama…" Gamakichi said, a bewildered expression crossing his face as the elder came forth from the underbrush.

Meanwhile, Dave felt the need to make a different point. "Toads." He said gesturing to Gamakichi and Gamatatsu. Then, he pointed to the elderly toad's rather prominent eyebrows. "Hair." He stated simply.

If Gamakichi were less bewildered, he would have given Dave a murderous look. Fortunately for the blond, the toad was preoccupied trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. "Lord Fukasaku, what do you mean? You _know_ he's telling the truth?"

"Why yes." The toad fully emerged from the clearing. "I know because I helped summon him here."

"What?" Gamakichi asked.

"I second that." Dave said, addressing Fukasaku. "Do you know what's going on? Because I sure as hell don't. I could use a rundown of the situation. Any explanation would be nice, really."

The old frog simply chuckled. "You're different than I expected, Father. But then again, does one ever truly know what to expect from the divine?"

"Uh…"

"Follow me and I'll explain what I know." Without another word, the Sage Toad flopped around and started hopping back in the direction he came from.

Dave stood rooted to the ground for a moment, in contemplation. _To follow wrinkly amphibious Yoda, or not to follow wrinkly amphibious Yoda?_ He asked himself. _What do you have to lose?_

With that in mind Dave shrugged again and took off after the toad into the forest, the other two toads hoping along side him.

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!" Naruto exclaimed in a rage, the burglar he had been chasing moments ago in a fit of chaotic justice completely forgotten due to more recent events. Such as accidentally tackling a man who fit the description of the person they were looking for perfectly and then watching him disappear in a poof of smoke.

Just then, Guy rounded the corner, a bright pink handbag handing from one hand and said burglar unconscious and slumped over his other shoulder. "Aha! Looks like I have defeated you, my rival's most passionate pupil!"

"DID YOU – HOW DID – BWUH?!" Naruto with his usual verbal prowess, exclaimed in frustration as he gestured to the place Dave had only just disappeared from.

Guy gave Naruto a quizzical look before Kakashi rounded the corner from the other direction, speaking politely with a frazzled looking elderly woman. "My bag! Oh thank you Mr. Shinobi-san!" The woman said as she caught sight of Guy, who turned his attention to her and away from a very distressed looking Naruto.

"I assure you it is no problem, ma'am! Haha! It it my duty and my honor to aid helpless civilians such as yourself in their time of need!" Guy handed the woman her purse and continued to have a rather loud conversation with her, while Kakashi walked over and placed a hand on Naruto's head.

"What's got ya down, kid?"

"I found him!"

"What?"

"I. Just. Gah!"

"Take a deep break – what happened." The elder demanded, lone black eye boring into Naruto's blue ones.

"I was chasing the burglar, ya know? When all of a sudden – wham! – I smack right into some guy on the street. It was _him_ I swear it was! He matched the description perfectly. But as soon as I figured it out _poof_! He was gone in a little puff of smoke!"

"A shadow clone, maybe?" Kakashi suggested.

"No I – maybe? – but I don't think so. If it _was_ a shadow clone, why break the jutsu right before he was about to say something?" Naruto said.

"Well, either way this means we're getting close."

 _ **POOF**_

A figure appeared out of nowhere, landing unsteadily on his feet before falling over backwards. "Fuck! Again? Really?" He exclaimed in irritation, throwing a fist to the sky. "Damn you frogs!"

Both Naruto and Kakashi stared blankly at the figure at their feet, whose vulgar screaming had caught the attention of both Guy and the elderly woman.

"That's him." Naruto said. "That's the guy that just poofed away."

"Yeah he fits the description." Kakashi agreed.

The elderly woman muttered something about young people these days and their filthy tongues before thanking Guy once more and turning away in a huff.

"Ahem" Guy cleared his throat and walking over to his comrades, as Dave picked himself off the ground.

"Do you happen to be Dave of the Lalonde clan?" Guy inquired assertively.

The blond boy's expression did not change. "No. I'm Dave. Of the Striders. How the fuck do you know my sister's name?"

"Wait I'm confused." Naruto said. "He's the Dave that Rose was talking about right? But they don't have the same last name…?"

"Okay this just got weird. Not that things weren't weird already but you know what I mean." Dave said. "You met Rose, huh? How'd that go for you?"

"She broke into my house, demanded I take her to see the Hokage, and when she heard about the fight that happened in the woods last night, insisted that you were her brother and that we should go seek you out for her." Kakashi said, deadpan.

Dave snorted. "Oh yeah that sounds like some pretty standard Lalonde bullshittery for ya. So where is the flighty broad anyway?"

"She's back at – "

Guy's response was cut off by Naruto. "Wait I don't get it. _You're_ Rose's brother? _You're_ a god? _You_ took down _Lord_ _Orochimaru_? By yourself."

"Who's Oral-chi-mazzo?"

"Orochimaru. The snake guy in the woods who attacked you…" Naruto said.

"Oh yeah him, man that guy was hella smug. If smug were a country he'd be fucking president, obviously voted into office on account of his supreme smugness out-smuging all the other smug douches in that (probably pretty terrible because smug) smug nation." Dave responded quickly, amazingly without getting tongue-tied. "What'd you say his name was, again?"

"Orochimaru."

"Got it, Aroma-ru."

"No, no. _Orochimaru_." Naruto said, looking at Dave with perplexion.

"That's what I said."

"No it isn't."

"Okay suddenly I don't care. Why don't you tell me who you are?"

"Well," Kakashi started, clearing his throat. Dave was very different from Rose. He was much more informal and somewhat vulgar in his word choice, whereas Rose was eloquent and very composed, like a business-woman. "I am Kakashi Hatake, this is Might Guy and Naruto Uzumaki. We were assigned the mission to bring you back to the Village Hidden in the Leaf by the Fifth Hokage herself. Your sister is waiting for you there."

"Hmm. Only half of those words make sense to me so obviously I'm totally sold on that story, bro. As long as you don't try to kill me I think we're good. Where is your Village anyways? Or can I not know that because it's 'hidden'?" Dave said.

"Wait you're completely fine with going with us without any evidence or anything?" Naruto speculated, squinting at him. "Your sister gave us this note to give to you to prove that it's really her and its safe and everything. Do you at least want to see it?"

Dave shrugged. "I mean sure; I'll take a look at it. But yeah I trust you guys. You just have trustable faces I guess and so far none of you have pulled a freaking knife on me so that's points in my book. Besides, if need be I feel like I could get away from you pretty easily, no offense. But yeah, lemme see that note from Rose."

Naruto looked at Dave incredulously before handing him Rose's letter. Dave took one look at it before frowning intensely and making a noise deep in his throat that was somehow a cross between a growl and a groan in frustration. He huffed indignantly and muttered under his breath "god fucking _dammit_ , Rose."

"What did it say?" Naruto couldn't contain his curiosity at Dave's reaction to the letter, while Kakashi elbowed him roughly in the shoulder.

"That's not really our business, Naruto." Kakashi gave him a stern look.

"Eh, that's alright." Dave said, handing the letter back to Naruto. "Here knock yourself out."

Naruto wasted no time taking a look at whatever it was Rose had written. It was one word, scribbled in elegant purple.

Puppets

"Puppets?" He inquired. "You have a strange relationship with your sister don't you?"

"Man, you really just don't want to know."

"Okay then." Kakashi said, getting back on task. "So you're coming with us then?"

"Yeah I'll come. S'not like I have anything better to do I basically woke up in the middle of the fuckin woods, found this town, and was like fuck yeah I'm just going to kick around here for a while. To be honest I was waiting for some standard nonsense like this to happen. It was only a matter of time before Rose found me on account of her dumbass seer bullfuckery and our weird twin telepanonsense. So yeah I'm coming with you."

"Great we already booked a – "

Kakashi was interrupted, yet again, by a very curious Naruto. "Wait you and the Seer are twins? What's your title anyways?"

"We're twins of sorts. Alcohol mom gave teen ecto-birth or some shit. Turns out the baby was us. And I'm the Knight of Time." Dave tapped the symbol on the center of his shirt. "This is my aspect symbol it represents Time."

"Oh. Hmm." Naruto nodded thoughtfully.

"Are you done?" Kakashi asked.

"What me? Yeah I think so!" Naruto said enthusiastically.

"Alright, then. Dave we're heading back into town where we booked a hotel room. Tomorrow morning we'll set off to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It's only half a day's journey away."

"Sweet. I'll follow you then."

"Excellent. Naruto, Guy, shall we?"

"R _iii_ ght let's go, Kakashi!" Guy took off running in the direction of their hotel. Kakashi sighed, Naruto frowned.

"Lee's not even _here_."

* * *

"Here, ma'am these are all the documents I could find on our figures of myth." Shizune said, handing her mistress a large black tome. "It was hidden away deep in the records building. A document I found said the book had been dug up during a mission about one hundred years ago and then transcribed into our language from some other ancient tongue."

"Thank you, Shizune." Lady Tsunade said, calmly taking the book, looking unfazed despite the tome's massive girth. "Any word from Kakashi in pursuit of the Seer's brother?"

"Not yet."

"Hmm."

Shizune looked at her mistress in worry as Tsunade sipped her tea in thought. "So… what happened with Neji and Rose? Weren't you going to have him get a reading on her chakra? You never mentioned anything to me about how that went."

"She doesn't have any."

"What?"

Tsunade put down her cup and looked up from the tome. "I said she doesn't have any. Neji seemed highly disturbed after examining her with his byakugan for only a few moments. When he returned he said that she does not have a chakra network and I don't just mean an incomplete one like you'd find in people who aren't shinobi. I mean she has no network at all, as if she were a different species entirely. What's more unsettling than this, though, is that he said he felt a different sort of energy. He could not see it, but he could sense it building over the point of the sun symbol on her shirt."

"She has no chakra network." Shizune said uneasily. "What… does this mean?"

"Unfortunately, it means there's a chance she's telling us the truth about who she is." Tsunade grumbled, exasperated. "I don't even want to _know_ what that paperwork would look like."

"You think she might actually be a goddess?"

"It's the only explanation I've come to. I might have to assign a team to do some further investigating but I'm not entirely sure how to go about this or what to do. Shizune, I want Shikamaru in here the _moment_ he gets back from his current assignment. In the meantime, I'm going to read up on our supposed _mythology_."

"Roger that."

"First the Akasuki are after Naruto and now _this_? I chose one heck of an era to be Hokage." Tsunade grumbled. "Alright, you're dismissed for the evening Shizune. See you tomorrow."

"Goodnight m'lady."

"Yeah yeah." Tsunade waved Shizune's polite goodbye away with a dismissive flick of her wrist. When the door had closed behind her she examined the tome she had been given with a sigh and added, "for _you_ maybe."


	5. Chapter 5

Karui was seriously questioning the sanity of her master at that moment. "Argh!" Her sword was like liquid in her hands, slicing through the air almost as if it had a mind of it's own as she used it to deflect the onslaught of shuriken aimed her way. To say they were in a mess would be an understatement.

She and Omoi were only chunin. There was no way they were ready for a challenge like this. Master Bee might be able to handle himself against that shark-looking guy, but even with Samui here the other shinobi was too much. It wouldn't be long before they were completely overwhelmed.

"Samui behind you!" Karui heard Omoi shout from somewhere to her left. She didn't have time to look though because she saw her opening, and managed to impale the enemy on her sword. It was only a a brief moment of victory though, before the figure disappeared in an explosion of crows and she realized she had been played.

"Dammit!" She cursed, ducking as the birds flew past her. A moment later she whirled around to see the Akatsuki member making short work of her teammates. Omoi looked unconscious and Samui was starting to falter on her feet. It was almost like the ex-leaf shinobi was taunting them. Although, Karui couldn't wrap her mind around _why_ he would waste time messing with them when it was clear that his teammate was having a difficult time with Bee out in the woods. One would think he'd be eager to help his companion reign in the jinchuriki that was bold enough to attack them on sight (again: see Karui's questioning of her master's sanity). But no, he was here fighting them for an extended period of time when he had already proven on more than one occasion that he was capable of their total annihilation if he really wanted to kill them.

"Rah!" Karui charged, deflecting a blow that had been aimed at her leader with the side of her sword. And, in a blink of an eye, their aggressor had disappeared.

"Where'd he go?" Karui spun around, eyes scanning the clearing.

"He's not gone. On your toes, Karui." Samui ordered, also looking around the clearing. "Did you recognize him from his bingo book entry?"

"Yes. Itachi Uchiha, S-rank. Killed his family and defected from the Leaf."

"Right." Samui confirmed. "Whatever you do, don't look in his eyes."

"Okay." Karui nodded. How the hell were you supposed to fight someone you couldn't even _look_ at?

…

Itachi regarded his enemies from a distance as they spun around, waiting for his attack. It was just his luck that a jinchuriki would jump out of the woods like a wild animal and attack them. Shouldn't he have been hiding or something? Honestly, it would have made his double-agency so much easier if this group had just _stayed_ _away_. Now, he had to somehow manage to get out of this alive, with Kisame, while letting the jinchuriki escape and making the whole thing believable enough that Kisame doesn't start to suspect him of anything. Great.

What to do?

Too bad this team of three wasn't any stronger. If they were then the amount of time he spent fighting them would be more believable. If only it had been another powerful shinobi from the Cloud. But no, it was two decently skilled chunin and one wily jonin. Not enough to match him by a long shot.

Itachi could always use a genjutsu to knock them out. That might be his best bet, considering he'd already done that to their third teammate. However, then Kisame would expect him to help him take on the Bee. The jinchuriki was very powerful – more powerful than Itachi had anticipated. He believed Kisame would likely be matched by him. Was that good, was that bad? Itachi didn't know. But maybe… maybe he could convince his teammate to retreat if things got too hot.

The only way to do that would be to get himself taken out of commission somehow, because as powerful as Bee was, taking on two of the strongest members of the Akatsuki alone would end in disaster for him. As long as Itachi was up and fighting, Kisame would refuse to back down. Though, Itachi doubted the two girls down below were a believable challenge for him.

He supposed… he could knock them out with genjutsu and then pretend to get knocked out by Bee and blame it on his illness as well as exhaustion from the previous battle?

There was no better option. Kisame would retreat if he saw Itachi go down.

With that in mind, he dropped down into the middle of the clearing, mangekyo activated.

"Don't look in his eyes." The blond one hissed, her vision locked on his shoulder. Well that would make this more difficult. No matter….

Itachi charged. The battle that followed was quick, although neither of the girls would look him in the eye. That was fine, though. He could force them.

He had just taken the redhead by the chin and watched unconsciousness roll through her eyes when a presence so well-hidden he hadn't even sensed it with his superior sensory abilities cracked through the woods and kicked squarely in the shoulders, sending him tumbling into a tree. He met the blond one's eyes briefly. She looked just as surprised as he felt.

Itachi was not often surprised. He did not like the feeling. His last surprise had been a scroll labeled "S" ordering the assassination of his entire family. Surprises were never good.

The raven whirled around to meet a pair of… blank red eyes.

"UNH4ND TH3 HUM4N F3M4L3S." The voice was feminine, though loud and commanding. Her skin was gray, her black lips pulled down into a frown and two sharp black eyebrows arched down over her blank narrowed red eyes. Her black hair was chopped just above the shoulders and split by two pointed horns sticking out from the top of her head. She carried a long stick with a dragon for the head, and other than that was adorned in entirely black clothes, save for two bright red shoes and the teal zodiac sign on her shirt. Needless to say, she was unlike anyone Itachi had every encountered. And she had hidden her chakra signature so well that even _he_ hadn't been able to detect it.

Well, Itachi _had_ wanted a reason to make this fight last longer. This just… wasn't what he was expecting.

Itachi hated surprises. Besides, he already had a plan.

Instead of prolonging this fight, he met her eyes and did his best to cast a few genjutsus. The girl was completely unaffected which… raised many questions. No one was able to deflect a genjutsu cast by the mangekyo sharingan, unless they too possessed the same power. Itachi blinked in surprise, though his face remained completely blank.

Suddenly, the girl started sniffing the air. Like a dog. Itachi had met a lot of freaks – the Akatsuki was filled with them – but nothing could have prepared him for what happened next.

The girl's lips cracked into a shark-toothed grin while she cackled madly and attacked, breaking apart her cane to reveal two blades. Itachi had more form, was a better fighter. That was clear. But somehow the girl was always two steps ahead of him, appearing where he least expected her to. Her movements followed no fighting style he had ever learned, making them somewhat more difficult to follow with his sharingan. They danced around each other for a few minutes, when finally, with one last mad cackle, the girl got close enough to… lick his face.

Itachi took a step back. He hadn't felt this bewildered in a long time. The girl laughed, seeming to savor the taste of his skin. He repressed the urge to shiver.

"Hehehe you have cherries for eyes so delicious. I want to taste them."

She stood there, smiling like a maniac while Itachi fought to keep his composure maintained. He hadn't the slightest clue how to react to a statement like that. And the girl… she just kept smiling at him like she was waiting for a response. It was… disturbing to say the least.

Then she attacked again. He dodged several attacks and made a crow clone – which she completely ignored. Strange, most people weren't able to tell them apart. She was though. Just _what_ was he dealing with here?

"Come on just one lick! Just a little one! You cannot keep those candy eyes hidden from me forever Mr. Fruity Liquorice Robe!"

Itachi was fazed. It took a lot to faze him. But he was thrown for a loop with this one.

Fortunately, he was saved from responding by a large blue shark breaking through the trees.

"Itachi." Kisame said. The girl stopped attacking and graced him with a toothy grin. To his credit, Kisame only stared at her for about a couple of seconds before he moved on. He was looking rather beat up. "We need to get out of here. Bee is on his way. I faked my death but he'll be back."

"I told you we should have retreated immediately. That jinchuriki is a tough one." Itachi said.

"Oooh so that's what your voice sounds like." The girl cackled some more. "Mr. Gumdrop can I please lick your eyes?"

Now Kisame was looking as thrown as he felt.

"No." Itachi said firmly. "Kisame, let's go."

"Right."

The two disappeared into the trees, the sound of insane cackling fading as they ran.

* * *

An: Sorry long note today. This week hasn't been going so well. Fucked up my knee playing flag football when I'm supposed to be running a half marathon this summer and on top of that my computer chose now to suddenly lose all of my files. Which unfortunately included what was originally going to be chapter 5, which followed Naruto, Kakashi, Guy, and Dave some more. As well as all of my started final projects and study materials (as if finals weren't already horrible enough). BUT since Homestuck just ended I HAD to post something. So I wrote you a Terezi scene I had planned for the future (LOL what's sleep?). It's not my best work because it was so rushed and also not supposed to happen yet but I wanted to put something out there. Maybe I'll go back and edit it later when I get more into Terezi's shenanigans in the new world.

Long story short there probably won't be any more updates after this one for a while. Like a month give or take.

Also I should add, Terezi is a good fighter (ya know, much echelader levels etc) but she is not God Tier so I believe Itachi would have her bested in fighting no problem. The only reason she comes out on top overall, is because (as we've seen in recent updates) her mind powers give her a substantial strategic edge in battle. She is literally able to foresee every move her opponent makes before they make it, allowing her to react accordingly and plan ahead. Also there's the fact that Itachi was trying to lose.

Anyways, speaking of Homestuck ending… **(spoilers for act 7: if you haven't finished it stop reading now)**

GUYS its OVER. Low key thought we were going to see Dave deal the final blow by pushing LE down some stairs/wished we got to see how the fight ended but I actually really like how open-ended the conclusion was at the same time. That animation was badass.

(Although I have to say the genesis frog going into skaia looked weirdly reminiscent to fertilization. I died of laughter when I realized this and then had to start it over.) And then lost it at the "Thanks for Playing" :'(

Sincerely,

Advising against flag football


	6. Chapter 6

The following morning Naruto was awakened by sunlight streaming in through the blinds of the room he shared with Guy-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, and the supposed god, Dave (Lalonde?) Strider. Naruto was still a little confused about the god… and how he managed to summon the gods here… and pretty much everything about Dave's existence in general but hey, with everything that was going on he really didn't have time to be worrying about that.

"Aaaah good morning!" Naruto said, stretching sleepily from his makeshift bed on the floor.

"Good morning Naruto!" Guy said, seeing that the genin on their squad was awake. "Kakashi and I will get started on packing up. Will you wake Dave for us?"

"No problem!"

With his back turned to both of his teammates, Kakashi was able to roll his eyes at their enthusiasm in peace as he worked on repacking his sleeping arrangements.

Dave was still asleep on the floor, sunglasses on and everything. It didn't look like he had moved a single muscle all night, as he slept in the same position he had fallen asleep in. "Alright, hey… Shades Guy wake up we're goi – " Naruto had barely placed a hand on Dave's shoulder when suddenly he had leapt up from his slumber, grabbed Naruto's wrist, twisted his arm behind his back, and tackled Naruto to the floor, pressing his face to the ground and keeping him there with a well-placed knee digging into the sixteen-year-old's back. Naruto yelled in surprise as he was slammed against the floor, and as quickly and suddenly as he had been disarmed, Dave let go, stood up looking somewhat surprised with his own actions, and backed away. Both Kakashi and Guy had stopped what they were doing and pulled kunai knives.

"Hey what _gives_ , man!" Naruto said, jumping to his feet. Guy and Kakashi flanked his sides.

Dave held up his arms in an 'I surrender' gesture. "Shit, sorry." He stammered. That's when Naruto noticed how unsteady Dave's breathing was, and the slight tremble in his hands, like he had drunken _way_ too much caffeine, or was genuinely terrified. "Don't _ever_ wake me up – jesus _fuck_."

"What the hell was that?!" Naruto demanded, still looking affronted.

Dave put his hands down and took a shaky breath. "Uh… sorry. I didn't mean to – just don't wake me up, okay? Can't control my reflexes." Under his breath he added, only loud enough for Kakashi's ears to pick up, " _Shitty childhood spider senses why'd you always make me do that? Dammit_."

The silver-haired shinobi lowered his weapon. "Are you alright?"

A strange look crossed Dave's face, before he responded with a half-hearted chuckle. " _Hah_. Sure. I will be. Just give me a minute. Sorry, Naruto I should have warned you guys about waking me up last night I uh, there's really nothing I can do about that sorry." Dave seemed to be calming down – his hands stopped shaking and his breathing came less sporadically, and more steadily. Realizing that Dave was showing more signs of trauma than a genuine desire to attack and harm them, Guy also put down his weapon.

"Well Alright." Guy decided. "Pack up your things when you're ready and we'll get going."

"Aye, aye, Captain." Dave nodded and quickly got to work, eager to move past that debacle. Naruto frowned angrily but didn't say anything.

The group exited the village around ten that morning, following the same path they had taken in pursuit of Dave en route for their return to Konoha. They walked in silence for the first two hours of their journey, thoroughly making both Naruto and Dave uncomfortable, though neither would admit that. Finally, around noon, it was Guy who broke the silence.

"So Dave… you're that Rose girl's brother, eh?"

"Unfortunately." Dave said deadpan, then he broke his chilly façade in favor of a fond laugh. "I'm only joking. When it comes down to it Rose is a pretty rad sister. Yes, she's all cold sarcasm and merciless teasing but I guess that's a family trait so we get along."

"Cold sarcasm. That is something I noticed all right." Kakashi commented off-handedly.

"So Dave," Guy continued. "How is it that even though the two of you are twin siblings, you come from the 'Strider' clan where she carries the name of 'Lalonde'?"

"Simple." Dave said, inclining his head in Guy's direction. "We were raised apart. Didn't know we were even related much less that we were _twins_ until we were thirteen. Back then we were just a bunch of smartass ten-year-olds who sometimes got on each other's nerves. Now we're like, two smartass twenty year olds who _always_ get on each other's nerves and also happen to be related through shenanigans. So yeah, pretty much after we found out we were related our relationship shifted from friends to siblings."

"You're twenty?"

"Yeah but what does that even matter age is just as pointless as life goals and religion. It's just some stupid number used to assess the period of a person's life we're in – it tells you nothing. I'm also 7.7 sweeps old if you wanna go by ridiculous Alternian numbers. But again, why would that even matter? It doesn't. Age is as pointless as Ben Stiller's face. Haha actually no that was bad there is _definitely_ a _point_ to Stiller's face if you know what I mean."

"Uh… no I don't know what you mean." Guy looked confused.

"That's okay. It was funny. Just take my word for it." Dave asserted.

"Okay…"

Naruto suddenly broke into the conversation. "Wait there's still something I don't get." He announced loudly.

"Oh boy…" Kakashi looked a little worried.

"What's up?" Dave asked.

" _How_ did _you_ beat Orochimaru? And walk away without a scratch?" Naruto demanded.

"How'd I beat who?"

"Orochimaru!" At this point Naruto was clearly getting angry.

"Never heard of him."

"Arge! YES YOU HAVE! We talked about him for like ten minutes yesterday and you kept mispronouncing his name!" Naruto thrust his hands in the air in frustration.

"Oh yeah Lord Obo-chimp-a-ra-ra." Dave said.

"It's OROCHIMARU!"

"Uh… A-roach-email-roo?"

"No. Lord O-ro-chi-ma-ru."

"I can't fuckin pronounce that. I give up. Also I don't care."

"Ugh! I don't understand!" Naruto said, holding his head in his hands. Then, to everyone's surprise, Dave _laughed_.

It wasn't just a chuckle or a scoff to wave off his questions. It was an actual _laugh_ , and a rather mischievous one at that, breaking his face to reveal a white smile and dimpled cheeks.

"Hey calm down it's no big deal. I didn't actually even _fight_ him, per se. I just knocked him out real agile-like and absconded the fuck outta there." Dave said, finally giving Naruto an answer to his question, an amused expression on his face. "Ever since the game ended I've been a self-proclaimed pacifist. I don't like to fight so I avoid it at all costs. Then again Lord Obo Chimp did try to attack and kill me so what was I gonna do, sit there and be like hur-derp I don't fight let's form a friendship circle and discuss the meaning of life while braiding ourselves unity crowns out of hippie flowers? Hell no. I was like oh no shit just got serious better put on my serious face, which by the way I only keep in emergency reserve for moments that are so seriously serious no sassy sidekick of any caliber ironic or otherwise could ever diffuse the seriousness of the situation. When I put on my serious face you know shit just got frickin _dire_ up in here. Dire is just a better word for serious, by the way.

"So like, A-roachy-rugrat told his sidekick or whatever, I think his name was a pokemon… it was like Kabutops or something stupid. Uh, anyways, Oral-chip-a-rugrat was like I choose you Kabutops! And I was like god damn what is this a shitty Bond movie? But obviously I didn't wanna get stabbed in the face because nobody wants that so I put aside my anti-fighting code or whatever and froze that son-of a bitch like a boss. Then I whipped out my sword, knocked everyone out cold with its handle, and made a beeline for the woods. So yeah, we didn't actually fight."

"You 'froze' him?" Kakashi asked, since Naruto still looked too stunned to form a coherent question.

"Yeah. But let's not elaborate on that right now. Shit be complicated." Dave said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Alright. Then may I ask you something else." Kakashi asked.

"Shoot."

"What is this game you played? Your sister mentioned it briefly when I met her but she didn't seem to want to talk about it."

Dave's expression did not appear to change, and Kakashi might not have noticed the sudden tightening of his muscles or the downward twitch of his lips if he had not been watching for his reaction. For a moment, Dave did not respond and a waiting silence encompassed the group. The silence wasn't as cold as it was when Kakashi had asked Rose about the game, however it did contain a certain chill.

"Well?" Naruto asked suddenly, breaking the ice. "Are you going to answer Kakashi-sensei's question or not?"

Dave's head jerked at the noise, as if he had been suddenly pulled from a terrible daydream. "Huh? Oh. Uh… yeah. Yeah…." Dave looked away for a moment, frowning. "The game was… I mean… _Fuck_ I don't know how to explain this. Maybe it'd be better if we didn't get into it anyway. That's some complicated stuff and it'll only lead to more and more questions that will be more and more difficult to answer. But uh, yeah Rose and I and two of our friends, John and Jade, played this game or I guess you could say the game played us." Dave laughed bitterly. Then he cleared his throat and looked at the waiting group of shinobi. "What would you say if I told you your universe was a frog?"

A silence.

Then.

"What?" Naruto was the only one to say anything. Beside him, Guy made a noise that suggested he was more than a little weirded out and confused.

Dave chuckled without losing his poker face, which was impressive. "Yeah that fact never sounds not excruciatingly retarded. Okay anyways the point I was trying to make with that question is that the game would be incredibly hard to explain, and even if I tried and got through the whole story there'd still be a possibility you wouldn't understand any of it. It's kind of something you've got to live through in order to get, get it? Kind of like how a guy can never really know what it feels like to be a girl and a girl can never really know what it's like to be a guy. You would have to have lived through it to fully understand."

Kakashi nodded thoughtfully. "Well." He said after a moment. "Try me."

A pause.

"Alright dude, you asked for it. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'll start off with something small." Dave said with a shrug as they continued their sprint through the woods. "We played a game called Sburb. But then again, like I said before, we didn't really play it. It played us. We were always destined to play it from the start. Sburb is the reason all of us were created. It is the reason we ascended to god-hood. And it is the reason your universe exists whereas mine was blown up in a fiery apocalypse. It's pretty much the pimpmaster hussledaddy of all ethereal super-shenanigans. John, Rose, Jade and I… we're just it's pawns."

"You lost me already." Naruto scratched his head and squinted his eyes.

"Shit. Okay disregard everything I just said. Um, I guess I'll start at the beginning from my perspective. So I was friends with John, Rose, and Jade over the internet and we chatted like every day over pesterchum."

"The internet?" Questioned Guy.

"Pesterchum?" Naruto looked at Dave like he was crazy.

Dave stared back at them with a blank expression while the two waited for a response. Finally, after a slight pause he said, his voice a flat line, "You don't have the internet?"

"No…"

"Kay so this is pointless." Dave said with a groan. "See I told you. It's going to be impossible to understand. The reality I grew up in is so much different than the reality we're in now there is literally no way you can relate to any of this. If you don't know what the internet is you probably don't have computers do you? So none of the important technology I'm going to be mentioning will make sense and therefore this entire shitty story won't make sense. I mean, just wait until the sprites come into play, and then the trolls and the consorts and denizens and mythological questy bullshittery and exiles and moon bombs and demon puppets and cherubs. Not to mention multiple selves and alternate timelines. And just from the day I've spent here in your world I already know its hella different from what mine was so you won't even be able to comprehend the most basic parts of our origins. This isn't going to work I give up."

"Hey you can't give up on us already!" Naruto protested.

"Look its useless trying. Maybe Rose will be able to figure out a way to make sense of the nonsense that is our ridiculous story. And by ridiculous I do mean _really fucking retarded_. It's so idiotically complex like you just have no idea."

"I think I get it." Kakashi cut in. "Or at least, I understand the basic concept. You befriended your sister and your two other friends over some sort of system of communication which did not involve you meeting face to face."

Dave shrugged as if to say 'not bad' and said, "Alright yeah that's a pretty basic way to put it but you get the gist of it. So I became friends with John, Rose, and Jade over the internet. Like you said, we never saw each other face to face we just got to read what each other wrote. Life was pretty simple for a while. I'd get up in the morning, do some martial arts training, avoid my psychotic brother, listen to music, write some shitty comics, and talk to my friends. Then, the day of John's thirteenth birthday, everything changed.

"We had known for a while now that the world was ending. Meteors poured from the sky bent on our planet's total annihilation like it was nobody's business. Of course nobody knew where the fuck these seemingly completely random meteors were coming from. They would just like, appear from nowhere space and hit random places all around the world. The day of John's thirteenth birthday was the worst day, though. That's the day the meteors really started to hit hard. Essentially, it was the last day for humankind. Our humankind at least. Obviously _your_ humans still exist but _our_ humans were completely wiped out like some fat guy took a nasty dump on the spacetime continuum and did a really thorough job of wiping his asscrack."

"Gross." Naruto said.

"Yeah. So anyways that day Rose was pestering me over the internet trying to get me to play this game with her cuz I had a copy of it. I didn't really want to play though because I'm not really all that into video games and it looked dumb. Also I was kind of being a stubborn little shit. Anyways she eventually broke me down into saying that I'd play that game with her if we were ever in the position where the game would save her life. So of fucking course, eventually we get into the position where the game is literally the only way to save all of our lives. Like it turns out it sends you somewhere else in space entirely, the Medium. Once we found that out all of us were like holy shit this is how we escape this shitty fire apocalypse like let's go. So we all connected, Rose as John's server player, me as Rose's, and Jade as mine. After we entered the medium, though, is when shit went haywire. I mean, not that the complete destruction of our civilization wasn't already crazy, but once we got into the game we started to find stuff out about reality and how it really worked. Turns out the world is a really fucked up place." Dave looked over at his audience, and seeing the expressions on the three ninja's faces, decided it would be best to stop talking. They looked a little lost. Not that he blamed them, really. To them it was probably like he was speaking a foreign language. "Oh, uh, sorry guys. Did I get a little carried away?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Naruto said. Guy looked equally baffled.

"I think I understand at least a little." Kakashi said. "I'm just not entirely sure I believe you."

"If you don't believe me now just wait until later things just keep getting more and more complicated. Things literally never stop from keep happening, always."

"Hmm." Kakashi looked thoughtful. "Let me see if I fully grasp what you've explained so far. On the day of your friend John's thirteenth birthday, the world ended because meteors from space were colliding with the earth."

"Yes."

"You discovered that this game, Sburb, could save you and your friends from the destruction the rest of your species faced."

"Pretty much."

"So you somehow started to play this game, and it transported you off of your planet, to another place called 'the Medium', while the rest of the humans on your planet perished."

"Basically." Dave said.

"And sometime after you escaped the apocalypse with Rose and your two friends, you became a god and created the universe in which we presently preside." Kakashi flat lined.

"Um-hmm." Dave hummed a yes. "But believe me it gets more complicated from there."

"Pardon me if I refuse to believe this right away. I've experienced a lot of crazy things in my day but I'm not sure I'm ready to believe this… _story_. Because if what you say is true, not only does it imply there is a game out there with the power to create new universes, but it also insinuates that you and your sister are, in fact, aliens."

"Well, I mean, we pretty much are aliens, not gonna lie. And hey I don't blame you for not believing us, our story is a lot of callous untenable mind-numbing drivel about like, four thirteen-year-olds that get bullshit superpowers and go on magic stupid quests with a bunch of aliens to discover the reasons behind existence and fight some evil frog demons in paradox space. If I hadn't lived it I'm not sure I'd believe it either."

"Well alright then." Kakashi said, coming to the realization that asking questions would be pointless. Just Dave's last two sentences alone caused about 50 new questions to pop into his head.

"Oookay." Naruto said, narrowing his eyes at Dave and frowning. Guy just looked downright perplexed.

"Yup." Dave said completely calmly. "Reality is fucked up. Sometimes I feel like there's this really smug douchebag out there who controls everything and he's just sitting at his desk or whatever laughing his haughty little ass off while we squirm around in confusion over the nonsense that is our most basic existence."

"Uh…" Naruto squinted his eyes again, scowling. _Okay he's crazy – so much for cool god friend._

Kakashi sighed. "Well we're almost to the village. It won't be long now."

"Sweet." Dave said.

Naruto couldn't have agreed more.

* * *

AN: Characterization tips? I feel fairly confident in my ability to write the Homestuck kids but feel like I'm lacking in the Naruto character department. I feel like I'm writing Kakashi too much like Rose. gaaah help


	7. Chapter 7

Sakura hated this kind of work. Getting to train under one of the Legendary Sannin was great and all, but sometimes Lady Tsunade could give her the most trivial tasks. Sure she learned how to control her chakra to the point where she could focus enough of it to literally punch through solid rock, but she knew when her teacher was taking advantage of her apprenticeship. Like now, for example.

Sakura would rather be working at the hospital, practicing her chakra control, or even sparring to improve her level of taijutsu, but somehow she got stuck with the job of showing some mysterious new lady around the village. If she was being completely honest with herself, Sakura was curious about her assignment and the sudden appearance of the woman but still, she had a lot of training to do if she ever wanted to catch up with Naruto and Sasuke.

Rose was not what she was expecting. Sakura had anticipated escorting a powerful kunoichi from a neighboring village, or an important business woman – someone, anyone, other than what she got. Sakura had not anticipated the elegant wisdom that seemed to radiate from her person, nor the dangerous black lipped smirk enhanced by her stunningly lilac eyes. She had not anticipated meeting such a petit yet powerful presence, dressed in sunshine yet radiating cold intelligence. But most of all, she had not anticipated _liking_ her so much.

Ms. Lalonde was refreshing in comparison to Sakura's usual company (ie. one loudmouthed blond idiot. Make that two loudmouthed blond idiots). Although at first Rose's snarky comments had thrown her for a loop, after spending a little bit of time with her, Sakura had grown to appreciate her verbal expertise, her wit, and most of all, her ability to insult nearly anyone without them noticing.

"Who is this, Sakura-chan?" Lee asked. They had bumped into him on their way to the training grounds and Lee insisted he walk with them.

"This is Rose. I'm showing her around the village for Lady Tsunade. Rose, this is my friend Lee." Sakura said.

"Pleasure to meet you, Rose! It's not everyday I get to walk with not one, but two lovely flowers!" Lee exclaimed.

"My, what a flattering thing to say. Sakura is lucky to have such a charming wordsmith for a companion. You must have all the young ladies practically throwing themselves at your feet just for the opportunity of being wooed by your aggrandizing encomium." Rose said, her tone indicating no insincerity but the curve of her black lips and the bored tilt of her eyelids suggesting otherwise.

"Yes ma'am! No woman can resist the temptation of Konoha's handsome green beast Rock Lee – oof!"

"Shut up, Lee!" Sakura said, roughly punching him on top of his head. "No woman can resist you my ass." She added with a mutter, rubbing her wrist in annoyance while Lee rubbed the spot on his head where he had been assaulted with the small girl's (surprisingly strong) fist.

"S-Sakura…." Lee whined.

Rose raised an eyebrow in amusement.

"Don't mind him Rose-chan. Lee can be a bit eccentric at times."

"I assure you he's no bother at all."

"Good." Sakura smiled, relieved.

Relieved until once again interrupted, that is.

"Hey Forehead!"

 _Oh god dammit_ , Inner Sakura barked.

Ino Yamanaka was barreling towards her at a fast pace, Choji walking more amiably in the distance, bag of chips in hand.

 _Great, Rose was going to think all her friends were nuts. And things had been going_ so well _too._

"What do you want Ino-pig?" Sakura snapped as her friend came to a halt in front of her.

"Geez, is that a way to greet a friend? Anyway, Lady Tsunade needs you to bring the new girl back to her office." Ino explained, huffing in annoyance at Sakura's curt greeting.

"Already? I hardly showed her anything." Sakura questioned.

"Yes already! Naruto, Kakashi-sensei, and Guy-sensei have returned with the hot newbie - "

Rose raised an eyebrow at _hot_.

" – and she needs you back now."

"Guy-sensei has returned?!" Lee exclaimed out of nowhere, startling the other three women. "Excuse me ladies! It has been an entire day since I last saw sensei! Training simply cannot wait! I'm coming sensei!"

He sped off without any further preamble, nearly knocking over Choji (who had finally caught up to Ino) in the process.

"He's quite… _energetic_." Rose said slowly as she watched the boy disappear down the street in a green blur.

Ino scoffed.

Sakura muttered, "You have _no_ idea."

"Well, we should probably get going." Rose cut in, already starting to walk towards the Hokage Tower. "Wouldn't want to keep your master waiting, would we?"

"You're Lady Tsunade? The way Naruto talked about you I thought you'd be, like, hella wrinkly and old but damn not at all your skin's like as smooth as a baby's bottom what the hell? Are _you_ the one that's a god? 10/10"

Naruto gave an outraged cry.

Guy sputtered.

Kakashi looked worriedly between his filter-less charge and his Hokage, whose readied orders had fallen from her lips the moment Dave had opened his mouth.

"OI DON'T TALK ABOUT BAA-CHAN LIKE THAT"

"QUIET NARUTO I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!"

"BUT GRANDMA TSUNADE HE – "

"I'M NOT YOUR GRADMOTHER!"

Naruto grumbled irritably under his breath, shooting Dave an annoyed look and crossing his arms.

Lady Tsunade sat back down, clearing her throat and folding her hands in front of her mouth to regain composure. "Well then, now that everything's back in order. Let's get down to business. So you're – "

"WHAT? You're not even going to yell at him?" Naruto interrupted, clearly outraged by Dave's disrespect for his Hokage.

"Why would I yell at him?"

"He shouldn't say that kind of perverted stuff about you!"

"AT LEAST HE DIDN'T CALL ME OLD AND WRINKLED YOU LITTLE – "

Further argument was stalled by a sudden knock on the door.

"Yes, come in." Tsunade said, collecting herself once more.

"Am I interrupting something here?" Shikamaru asked as he lazily stepped into the room.

"Not at all, we were just getting started." Tsunade said as Shikamaru stood in line beside Naruto.

"Great. What's this all about then."

"Shikamaru. This is Dave Lalonde, his sister – "

"Strider." Dave interrupted. "Dave Strider. Please don't rope me in with the Lalondes I'm psychologically screwed enough as is."

"Fine." Tsunade said tersely. "This is Dave _Strider_. His sister Rose appeared yesterday in Kakashi's house, demanding housing and claiming to be a god."

Dave scoffed. "That is just like her. You know, this one time she – "

"I don't care. As I was saying, the two of them claim to be gods. We have been looking into things and…." Tsunade frowned, trailing off.

"And…?" Shikamaru prompted, eyeing Dave warily and not entirely sure what to feel about this 'god' thing? Was he being pranked? If so how did Naruto convince Lady Tsunade and Kakashi-sensei to go along with this nonsense. Guy-sensei he could understand…. But… _he was thinking to much about this_. Ugh. He had a feeling this whole ordeal was going to interfere with his cloud gazing time. What a bother.

"And I had Neji examine Rose with his byakugan this morning. She did not have a chakra network. _Whatever_ these two are, it isn't human."

"Excuse me, I identify very strongly as human." Dave interjected. "I feel pretty human too, like, I ain't got no horns or weird tentacles so I'm pretty sure this is what is classified as human. If anything you people aren't human. What kind of normal human can walk on water and shit. Last time I checked you aren't Jesus and this isn't freaking Israel B.C. Do you feel like Jesus?"

"What's a Jesus?"

"Who cares. Point is, I'm technically a god and also a human and somehow I ended up here in the middle of your strangely progressive yet pre-industrialized village. So… 'sup I guess."

"You're so weird. How are you so weird? I thought I knew a lot of weird people how are you so much weirder than all of them?" Naruto asked no one in particular.

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You really shouldn't."

"Agree to disagree."

"RGOIANGAJ!" Naruto groaned his frustration, wiping a hand down his face.

Tsunade just sighed, hanging her head in annoyance. "Naruto shut up. Anyway, Dave, your sister will be here soon. Then we can get started trying to sort all this out."

( _read: I'm too sober to be dealing with this damn you Shizune for hiding all my booze_ )

"Wait, Rose is coming. Here. Now?" Dave cut in, looking slightly troubled.

"Yeeess, she is your sister. What, did you think you wouldn't see her?"

"Well not this soon. Damn, I'm not prepared for this. Okay, I just need to apologize in advance for my behavior when I'm with Rose. Just – sorry. It's gonna get out of hand, like, Naruto dude sorry, but you haven't seen anything weird yet."

"Great." Naruto said, so entirely done with Dave's bullshit.

It was at that precise moment that Sakura and Rose decided to burst into the office.

"Sorry shishou! Ino just told us you were waiting!" Sakura said as she entered, followed by a young woman in orange Naruto assumed to be Dave's sister. Sakura's eyes swept across the room, noting that it was getting crowded, before moving to stand at attention behind Lady Tsunade.

"Rose."

"Dave."

The twins greeted each other icily.

"well." Tsunade clapped her hands together. "Now that we're all here, let's get back to business." She pointed a finger at the two "gods" in question, who were currently shooting each other looks and seemed to have started whispering to each other rather immaturely. "Excuse me. Would you like to share with the group?" Tsunade snapped. She did not get paid enough – she did not get paid enough – where was her booze –

"No that will not be necessary. I would like to apologize for my brother, Lady Tsunade. He has the maturity level of a carapiece."

"Whoa. Excuse you don't bring the mayor into this. The mayor is a genius."

"True I did not intend to insult the intelligence of our small dersite companion – he is a true hero."

"Damn straight. Don't dis the mayor, Rose."

"I wouldn't dream of it. You, however, are another story entirely."

"Like that's news. Okay look." Dave turned and addressed the group. "This girl is a monster don't let her tininess fool you. She will do whatever she can to dig up all your psychological baggage and then use it against you just for her own sick amusement."

"Gasp! How could you say such a thing about your own flesh and blood? Dave, I thought better of you."

"Oh please, cut the bullcrap, Lalonde. You know damn well this is true. Strider don't speak no lies."

"That was terrible grammar. Also I'm pretty sure 90% of the things that come out of your mouth are lies. I have even written a small section detailing the possibility that you might be a compulsive liar in one of the many journals I keep analyzing your encumbering psychological pathologies."

"Well there's a section in my How to deal with Flighty Broads for Dumbasses manual on why you're full of snarky horseshit. Suck on that, Lalonde."

"Stop it Dave, you're clearly making everyone uncomfortable. Look around."

"Don't blame me for your horrible social skills."

"I'm the one with bad social skills?"

"Yes."

"Well I thin – "

"No."

"Excuse me?"

"I said no I'm not listening to you anymore lalalalalalala."

"Dave don't be a five-year-old."

"Who's going to stop me?"

"ENOUGH!" Tsunade snapped, silencing the back and forth banter that hand begun. She grumbled in irritation and slowly sat back down as silence spread across the room. "I have had ENOUGH of this ridiculous fight. I don't want to see either of you for the next _month_. _Unfortunately_ , I have to assess your threat level and determine what I'm going to do with you before I no longer have to look at either of you for the rest of the day. SO, if the two of you could shut up for TWO MINUTES I think we can figure something out."

Rose scowled, Dave shrugged.

"FINALLY!" Naruto shouted.

"SHUT UP NARUTO." Tsunade snapped at him, causing the hyperactive blond to deflate a bit and start muttering under his breath. Kakashi patted his head soothingly. He was the only one looking amused.

"So are you two done?" Tsunade asked.  
"Well I can't speak for him – "

"No promises."

Tsunade thunked her head down on the desk.

"Hey Rose is it just me or does she kind of remind you of Karkat?"

"Now's not the time, Dave."

"SO – " Tsunade said, leveling the two gods with an authoritative stare. "If we can get back to business, we have much to discuss."

"Yup."

"Carry on."

"Good. We need to figure out where you will be staying for your time here. Rose has spent a night on Kakashi's couch but we still need to find a place for you, Dave, and last time I checked, Kakashi's home wasn't a _hotel_. So we will also be relocating you, Rose."

"Sweg."

"As you wish."

"Sakura!"

"Yes M'Lady?"

"Would you mind opening your home to Miss Lalonde for the time being?"

"Not at all."

"Excellent. Naruto! You have a spare room. Could you – "

"What – no!"

" _Excuse_ me?"

Naruto looked positively horrified. "I don't want him snooping around my apartment doing whatever it is he does! He's so weird! What if he – I don't know – "

"I don't care how weird you think he is you're going to give him a place to stay and that's the end of this conversation!"

"BUT GRANDMA TSUNADE – "

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT YOU IDIOT?!"

"WHY SHOULD I GIVE HIM A PLACE TO STAY ALL HE'S DONE IS TALK MY EAR OFF ABOUT NOTHING!"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE ALL THE TIME!"

"BUT AT LEAST WHAT I HAVE TO SAY HAS MEANING! I TALK ABOUT IMPORANT STUFF!"

"Like what, Ramen?" Sakura interjected.

A heated debate had started.

Dave leaned over to Rose. "Who's wasting time now?"

Rose smirked.

"FIIIIIIIIIIIIINE." Naruto said as their argument wound down.

Tsunade smiled, looking pleased with herself. "That's what I wanted to hear. Anyways, Rose, tell us what you have discovered regarding the search for your friends."

Rose scowled, looking displeased with the way she was being addressed. "I believe I may have located one of them."

Tsunade raised her eyebrows and waved a hand as if to say ' _and_?'.

Rose's scowl depended and she stood back with a displeased expression on her face.

"Do you want us to help you track them down or not?" Tsunade asked when it was clear Rose had no intentions of responding to her prompting. "Because _I_ don't care what happens to them. But if you do, then you'd better cooperate."

"Whoa, okay." Dave stepped in as the atmosphere started to get tense. "Look, Rose has hella issues with authority –and before you try to tell me you don't – let me just suggest that I do the talking here."

"Problems with authority…?" Tsunade prompted, looking like she was on the verge of bursting a vein in her forehead.

"Oh yeah, big time. Like, as gods or whatever we all had these personalized quests and stuff but Rose's was like, all pink and shiny and fluffy like it was made for a fucking princess so Rose, of course, was like no what do you think I am some little girl who just likes to quietly read and sip tea while staring out at the sunset – which she basically is – she was like fuck this I'm a boss – basically just starts wrecking shit like there's no tomorrow – which there wasn't so that's beside the point. Anyways, don't tell her what to do she'll find a way to do the opposite."

"You make me sound so obstinate."

"You are obstinate."

"Look, I don't have time for this – do you want the Leaf's help or not? Because I could have my shinobi out on real missions right now. _Paying_ missions."

"I've got a couple boonbucks on me if you want money." Dave suggested.

Tsunade gave him a blank stare.

"I do not believe they accept sburbian currency here." Rose said, still looking annoyed.

"Look who decided to say something helpful finally." Dave responded.

"I am a woman of few words, how dare you insinuate anything I say would be unhelpful, ever."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Agree to disagree. Our friend is in the Land of Waves."

"And what?" Dave asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The Land of Waves and What?"

"Just the Land of Waves."

"That's stupid."

"Dave shut up. As I was saying before being so rudely interrupted by the _inferior_ twin –

" – wow you have no chill – or ALL the chill you are like liquid nitrogen cold congrats– "

" – I have located a friend in the Land of Waves. I'm not sure who it is but they must have a large presence if my powers were able to discern their location this quickly. Here," Rose started, pulling a map from out of nowhere and pointing to the location of which she was speaking. "This is where you will find him or her."

"Where did that come from?" Shikamaru asked, looking startled.

Beside him, Naruto jumped. "SHIT! Oh man, Shikamaru I forgot you were here."

"I've been standing next to you this whole time."

"Thank you for your cooperation." Tsunade said, addressing Rose. "Now, I think we are done for today. Kakashi, Guy, if you will stay with Rose and Dave in the hall for a moment, I would like to speak with Sakura, Shikimaru, and Naruto alone."

"HAI M'LADY!" Guy exclaimed.

"Of course." Was Kakashi's much calmer response.

"Good. You are dismissed."

The three young shinobi crowded around Tsunade's desk as the elder two left, followed by their bickering godly charges.

"You wanted to speak with us, Lady Tsunade." Sakura asked.

"Yes. Listen, I don't know who those two are or what they are up to. Naruto, I want you and Sakura keeping a close eye on them while they are living with you. And you, Shikamaru, I want you looking into things." Tsunade then pulled a large tome out from under her desk. Naruto looked daunted by its girth. "This is all we could find on our mythology. I started reading it but… I don't really have the time to be digging into things. I would like you to read this and also spend as much time as you can observing Rose and Dave. So far, Rose does not have any chakra and they have not bothered attacking us but we can never be too careful. I do not trust them. This is your mission."

Shikamaru deflated, but took the tome nonetheless. "Yes, Lady Hokage…."

"You can spend time with Sakura. She will be showing Rose around the village and keeping a close eye on her as well. Rose is not to leave either of your sights – got it."

Shikamaru and Sakura nodded.

"Good. Now, Naruto. You heard what Rose said about their friend being in the Land of Waves. I want you to take Dave on the mission to retrieve this 'friend' of theirs, a) so you can keep an eye on him and b) because he'll know what his friend looks like. You'll be going with our tracking team."

"Tracking team…." Naruto prompted stupidly.

"Idiot! Team 8!" Sakura said, punching Naruto on the arm. "Only the kids we took the chunin exams with and practically spent all of our childhood with! You're such a moron."

"Ow! Sakura!" Naruto whined, then he turned back to Tsunade. "So when are we leaving?"

"Tomorrow. For now, I want you to show Dave around the village while assembling Team 8."

"Fine…. So I just need to find Kiba, Hinata and…. And… shit…. Who's their their teammate?"

"Wow." Shikamaru commented in disbelief.

"Shino you idiot!"

"Oh right! Bug guy oh we go way back!"

"Ooooh Naruto I am going to _kill_ you – "

"S-Sakura-chan!"

"Enough. You are all dismissed. Go babysit your gods. I'm going to a bar."


End file.
